Notice of Revocation

This is from the UK:

To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependecy, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
   look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
   at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
   should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary.
   Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
   as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
   communication. Look upinterspersed.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
   your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
   It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
   good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
   Queen,but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
   to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
   football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
   game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
   outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American
   football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
   play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
   the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
   time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football,
   but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
   full kevlar body armour like big girls blouses). We are hoping to get
   together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
   they give you any trouble. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
   there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
   The Russians have never been the bad guys. Its always been the French.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
   national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
   IndecisiveDay .

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
   good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us bonkers for almost forty years.
    

Thank you for your cooperation

2008-03-26

main index : fun